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Sunday, June 10, 2012

I fucked up...

Let me start by saying that Xanax and alcohol is not a good combination... It sucks and it produces black-outs and drives people away. Seems like in my quest for change I have hurt the people I love the most. From now on, I am quitting drinking alcohol regularly. I will drink occasionally, maybe once a week, in the weekend. It's a virus, I had a nervous breakdown, but that must end as well. Else, I will keep on hurting people that care about me, and it's not ok.

Last night was a catastrophe. It was one of the worst nights of my life. It was a fucking train wreck. I can't remember half of it, but my friends explained it to me in detail. And I was mortified. I was everything that I shouldn't have been. I was blacked out, started a knife fight, did stupid things, and now I'm facing losing the person who cares the most about me, because of my self-centerdness, because of my luggage, because of my nervous breakdown, because I am what I am, because of drinking.

But no more.

From now on, I am quitting alcohol altogether, I will quit drinking excessively. I will quit drinking altogether. It's something that brings me to the brink of a meltdown, and it's not ok. Everything fucked up in my life happens because of alcohol. Alas, it will stop.

I don't want to lose everything I have over some fucking beers. All the fights that I started I started in a drunken haze, and the kicker was nonsense. I don't want that anymore. I know I may repeat myself, but today was the last beer I had, for a long time. I've been writing this post since morning, on and off, crying, moaning, bitching about how unfair life is, and it starts to sting. And by stinging, I don't mean a bee sting, a wasp sting, a fucking bullet wound... No, it's not a fucking flesh wound. It's an open heart surgery. And I'm about to perform it... on myself. It sucks, but it must be done. No tranquilizers, no anesthesia, no nothing. Just a fucking scalpel and that's it. I must perform this surgery on myself, remove a tumor that's been growing inside me for years now... And then I must move to my brain, and perform another surgery, as usual, without anesthesia, to remove another tumor that's been growing there as well. No more fuck ups. No more me being drunk and always a fucking wreck. No more.

Last night I stepped into the same loop that I said I will never step into. I had a tattoo made to remind me of what *NOT* to do. Guess I've missed the big black dragon on my wrist, because I fucked up royally, and nobody could stop me. But no more nonsense. No more train wrecks. No more planes colliding. No more nothing. I shall try to be the person I was before people destroyed me, before all this shit began. And succeed I will. Because I stand to lose the one person I care about the most if I don't. And that's not something I am willing to risk.

I took her for granted, I took everything for granted, and it's not okay. There's always two in a relationship. There's always action an reaction. My actions have destroyed every reaction that has happened. No more. Now I become someone else. Now I become my former self, no more a shell of what I am. No more shadow of myself. No more trust issues. No more jealousy. No more fucking up everything. This time, it will be different.

And I just hope she can forgive me, and my friends can forgive me for what I have done.

I just hope I can make it work. I just hope it will be okay in the end.

Because I'm in love, after a long time, and losing what I love the most is the worst outcome of this situation.

No words can say how bad I feel about what happened, but my actions will speak for themselves. I shall prove that change is possible. I shall prove that I am worth it.

I'm in love, and I shall fight for it.

David out.

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